I love coffee. In fact, I love coffee so much that I can easily go through 2-4 bags per month; and that doesn’t include coffee I purchase outside of the home. The first seventeen days of 2013 have been rough for me. My self-employment is going down hill. My relationship is going down hill. My entire life is going down hill. In the previous 24 years of my life, I’ve always been the type of person who, when I fall, almost hits rock bottom but at the last second grabs on to whatever remaining hope I have and drag myself back to the surface. This time, I fell head first into the rocks. The hope I had ran thin and now I’m at the bottom trying to dig my way to the other side. I’m too modest to go to anyone for help, so instead, I’m doing what every sixteen year-old girl is doing – talking about my feelings on the internet. The only difference is I couldn’t give two fucks if anybody reads this. Plus, this is real world shit. None of that, “He flirted with another girl while he’s fucking me” bullshit. I would give anything to have that problem. Hell, I’m 24 years-old and can barely maintain an erection. Old Asian women are better drivers than my sex drive. I now watch porn for the storyline. As soon as the clothes start coming off I flip over to the next porno like it’s the Goddamn TV Guide channel. I’ve tried everything to fix myself. I’m on testosterone medicine. I work out daily., and I even started drinking a glass of red wine on a daily basis. Of course, that didn’t do shit so now I skip the glass and drink straight out of the bottle like I’m a homeless man who just got done jacking off under a bridge during rush hour. My girlfriend is a hot, 19 year-old who is constantly horny. I bet you’re wondering, “How does that work out?” The answer – it doesn’t. In fact, she has now turned to man’s worst enemy – the vibrator. I have nothing against vibrators or dildos, and I even understand why she got one. But when your girlfriend looks at your penis and says it is absolutely perfect, and then orders a vibrating replica of King Kong’s dong, it becomes pretty obvious that yours is not “absolutely perfect.” If it was absolutely perfect, she would’ve ordered a vibrator that was almost 6 inches and crooked instead of one that would make a black man’s jaw drop. I kid you not, the thing is water proof. What girl is taking a shower and suddenly thinks, “You know what this shower is missing? King Kong’s penis.” Not only is it waterproof, but it has vibrating beads inside of it. I don’t know what the fuck they are for, but I know my penis doesn’t have them! It has 7 speeds and 3 different vibrating options. Basically, it’s like scientists finally perfected mating a cucumber with a race car. I’m not saying I’m bad in bed by any means, but I have no shot to compete with this thing. Hell, when it was delivered to my apartment, I saw the box and looked at the mail lady and said, “I didn’t order a baseball bat.” You always hear about the effects of baseball players on steroids. Well, imagine they started injecting the bat with steroids and this is the outcome. As soon as I saw what it was I could feel my virginity tapping me on the shoulder and whispering, “I’m just going to make myself comfortable.” I honestly considered smashing it with a hammer until I realized I could probably smash a hammer with it. I kid you not, I actually fear my girlfriend will choke on it. It doesn’t sound impressive until you realize she’ll stick it in her vagina. I had never seen anything like it. After about a ten minute staring contest with the thing (just one more thing it’s better than me at), I decided to go to Starbucks to get a cup of coffee. I would have much preferred the local coffee shop down the street, but “bigger and better” was already the theme for the day so I decided to go with the big chain restaurant. I got my coffee and decided to take my mind off of life and read a book. After a few pages in, I went to take a sip of my coffee and you’ll never believe what was in it. That’s right – a penis. I set my coffee back on the table, looked at it, and simply muttered, “There’s a penis in my coffee.”