I experienced my first black penis today. No, I did not go to prison and I’m not talking about in my ass. My penis literally turned black. Have you ever seen a banana that should have been thrown away three weeks prior? That’s what my penis looked liked… minus most of the length of the banana. It all started last night when I started having trouble urinating. It became very painful and I had the constant feeling that I had to go. I knew it wasn’t a STD because I had only slept with my girlfriend who I know is clean. I looked it up on WebMD (horrible mistake, I know) and I discovered I have a Urinary Tract Infection. I know what you’re thinking, “I thought only girls could UTI’s?” Well, apparently my penis is just small enough to be considered a clitoris because I definitely have a UTI. For those who have never experienced this delight, let me describe the misery. You constantly feel like you have to urinate. When you do go, just a small amount comes out. When you’re not sitting on the toilet squeezing piss out of your cock, you’re in extreme pain. Your penis literally hurts. Your dick feels like someone shoved a flaming q-tip in your piss hole. When you have one, you can basically eliminate sleeping. I was already insanely tired from a busy day, so I was bound and determined to get rid of this thing at all costs so I could get some shut eye. I started taking cranberry pills like they were painkillers. That’s apparently supposed to help; however it did jack shit. Finally at 4:30AM, I decide to get up and make this vitamin C and cranberry hot tea crap that my girlfriend had for when she got one. As I stand there in nothing but boxers, I’m trying my hardest not to fall asleep, although I know the pain makes it impossible to do so. I boil the water until the steam is whistling out and pour it into my giant mug. As I turn around to grab the tea packets, my elbow knocks the mug off of the counter, and boiling hot water pours out. Where does it land? You guessed it – my dick. So now, not only does the inside of my dick hurt like Hell, but I now have third degree burns on the outside. After screaming every curse word known man about ten times, I grab an ice pack and shove down my boxers. I couldn’t help but laugh. The boiling water made it burn. The UTI made it burn. And now, the ice pack was giving my dick freezer burn. My penis was experiencing the Trifecta or Burning. The ice also made it shrink up like a slug after you pour salt on it. After an hour of miserable pain, I finally decide to make more tea. I (safely) finished it, and sat down to drink it and get some work done on my laptop. Two hours later, I wake up. I had fallen asleep. Not only had I fallen asleep, but I had fallen asleep with the tea in my hands. Only now, it wasn’t in my hand. It had spilled over on to my laptop, completely frying the hard drive. $400 later, I have a new, shittier laptop to go along with my burnt dick. And for those who were wondering – no, nothing helped my UTI. And now my dick is burnt black. Fuck you, tea!

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