For those who read Chapter 1: You Didn’t Read That Wrong, I wanted to give you an update. If you haven’t read it yet, go read it and then check back so you fully understand the story of King Kong’s Dong.

I finished Chapter 1 before my girlfriend arrived home from work. She didn’t even know the giant dildo had come in the mail yet. When I picked her up from work, I told her she had a package. She tried to hide all of her excitement, but I could see her clinching her fist like a child on Christmas morning. When we got home, she immediately went for the package (ironically speaking). She opened it, and to my surprise, she looked at as if someone had stuffed a dead alien in the box. She looked at me, and said, “I did not expect it to be that big.” She closed the box and went in to the bedroom change clothes. I followed behind her like I was on a leash, patiently waiting for what she was going to. Finally after 3 seconds of being patient, I told her she should just send it back. She nodded her head and I thought I had succeeded. I had defeated the giant dildo before it ever saw the light of the day! I pictured walking down the street and men just stopping and clapping for me as if I was a war hero or just saved models from a burning bus. “I am all that is man!” I thought as I walked out of the room, looked at the box, and raised my middle finger as I pictured it bowing before me in defeat (which would have been completely possible because I’m pretty sure this thing had an elbow). The longest day of my life was finally over… or so I thought.

Two days later, I noticed the box hadn’t moved. I was expecting it to be taped up and stamped, ready to be sent back for a refund. But it remained untouched. I finally built up the nerve to open the box. I figured it would soon be shipped out, and I wanted to give one last look at the enemy. I slowly opened the box as if it was bomb taped an Arab boy’s chest, and low and behold… it was empty! Now I wouldn’t put it past this thing to get up and walk out on it’s own, but I highly doubted it. I immediately started throwing open the drawers in our bedroom like I was looking for a key to save my life in another shitty Saw movie. I swung open the final drawer and there it was. It was out of the package. Batteries were in place. I could see this thing looking me dead in the eyes, as if every move I made played right into it’s plan to enter my girlfriend’s vagina. It knew all along that no girl could resist its vibrating beads and 12 inches of purple rubber that could bring any man to his knees. I’m not sure why she ordered it in the color purple. The only conclusion I can come to is she has some sick Muppet fetish. I quickly slammed the door and went to Plan B. I really didn’t want it to come to Plan B. Plan B was sinister. It was sick. It was mean. I was going to destroy this big, purple cock on my own. If I couldn’t convince my girlfriend to hate it, I was going to have to make her hate it. I rushed to the bathroom, grabbed a roll of IcyHot, and rubbed down my enemy. Am I cruel? Absolutely. I’m an evil genius. Guys, if you’ve ever experienced getting IcyHot on your balls, you can only imagine the amount of pain this was going to cause. But I didn’t want to enforce too much pain. I just wanted it to be uncomfortable. I washed about 95% of the IcyHot off. You’re probably wondering, “What’s the point?” Well, I took enough of it off that it wouldn’t cause any pain. But it would, however, completely numb her vagina. This leads to the assumption that this dildo doesn’t get the job done. In war, you sometimes have to sacrifice your soldiers. This was no different. In order for my plan to work, the enemy would have to enter her vagina. In this case, the enemy will assume I have lost hope as it enters the glory zone. But it will only happen once. And it will never happen again. After one unsuccessful go-around, I will have be the victor. Once again, men will take off their hats as I walk by and applaud my victory over one of man’s greatest enemies.

It has been a few days and the enemy remains unused. I am still awaiting the sacrifice. You will be updated as soon as it is made. God’s speed.