I apologize for taking a brief hiatus. I decided to take an adventure to the great northwest to do some soul searching. I actually discovered a lot about myself. As it turns out, I have no soul. This must be what it feels like to be a Ginger kid. I also discovered that everybody in the northwest has a weird obsession with Kurt Cobain. In fact, my girlfriend’s sister even went as far to get me a Kurt Cobain t-shirt. She said, “If you’re going to come to the northwest, you have to love Kurt Cobain.” Meanwhile I’m thinking, “Bullshit.” This was the turning point in my relationship with her sister. She broke down every aspect of Cobain’s life saying things like, “He was a very troubled soul. His thoughts were everywhere and he just transcribed them into beautiful lyrics.” Being a smartass, I replied, “I knew his thoughts were everywhere. I just figured they used a mop to clear them up.” Naturally, this put her in a complete state of silence followed by a good five minutes of being chewed out for being insensitive. But much like Kurt, it just went in one ear and out the other. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually enjoy some of Nirvana’s music. However, I never understood the song, “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” As much as teenage boys masturbate, I have a theory that teen spirit is actually slang for ‘semen’. But then I remember that Cobain dated Courtney Love, and since it’s impossible to look at her and ejaculate, I’m assuming he forgot what semen smelled like so that theory is probably wrong.

Like every single human being, I struggle with religion. To me, religion is just like the boogeyman for adults. I see so many flaws in it. For example, in Catholicism, a male having sex with a male is considered a sin… unless that male has yet to hit puberty. And ‘Islam’ means peace? If by ‘peace’ you mean it leaves people in pieces, then that sounds about right. Don’t get me wrong, I have a personal relationship with what I consider God. But my God is probably different from yours. My God isn’t going to ban you from Heaven because you weren’t dipped in water. My God didn’t make a senior citizen collect two of every animal and put them on one boat. Do you seriously believe a senior citizen could accomplish a task like this? Hell, my Grandpa pisses his pants twice a day and Noah was twice his age. Today happened to be one of those days where I was feeling the troubles of life and I begin begging God to show me some mercy while I was driving to the gym. I never expected any response, but what I got was better. What I got proved to me that God does exist, and He is a sick bastard. I got to the gym and began running my pre-workout mile. About half way through the mile and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the treadmill next to me had turned on. It was very eerie and confusing. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was an electrical error. I even thought that maybe the gym was haunted and it was a ghost. But I was wrong. It was better… much better. It was a midget. If you have never seen a midget on a treadmill, you have not lived. Before this moment, my life was an empty mess. But God put this tiny People McNugget on a treadmill to remind me that there is nothing that cannot be fixed with laughter. The little thing could barely reach the handle. He had to jump to change the speed and incline of the treadmill. It was set on 2mph and the poor little guy was running his little heart out. The only thing I could do was stop running, get off of the treadmill, look up to the Heavens, and thank God for life I have been given. Next time you’re feeling down about your life, just remember – you could be a midget on a treadmill.