Human beings suffer many indifferences in life, whether it is religion, sexual orientation, or even political party affiliation. But one thing we all have in common is the age range in which we discover one of the greatest things life has to offer – masturbation. I was a late bloomer. The first time I masturbated I was 15 years-old. It was a late Sunday night. My parents were in the other room deeply indulged in their awful television program. I was in the computer room with my pants around my ankles watching the sex scene from the movie Wild Things with Denise Richards and Neve Campbell. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I was kind of touching myself, but wasn’t quite sure how it worked. Finally, I hit the “point of no return.” It’s that point that no matter what you do, you can’t stop yourself from exploding testicle yogurt everywhere. I was a little scared when I hit this point, then my legs went dumb and my mind turned to mush. The next thing I know my dick turned into a machine gun, shooting semen into the air like a water works show. This is also when I learned to never masturbate with your mouth open. No further explanation needed. As sad as it is, masturbation has stumped me. Like most people, I mastered the art in my teen years. Girls, if you ever wonder why guys don’t choose hand jobs as their intimate moment of choice, it’s because we can do it better. You will never be able to give a man a hand job better than he can give himself one. Stick to blow jobs. After my first explosion into the world of sinning, I spent many days in high school questioning the art of masturbation while my teacher lectured on about shit I would never use in life. For example, what do blind people think of when they masturbate? Do gay men masturbate to their own penis? If most animals indulge in masturbation, is this why the T-Rex was so angry? Are random boners actually ninja hand jobs? Does God really frown upon masturbation? Personally, I feel if God didn’t want us to masturbate, he would’ve made our arms shorter. I also discovered during a surgery in high school, it scares the shit out of nurses if you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor. If you want to convince your kids that masturbation is wrong, tell them that every time they masturbate, God makes someone buy a Justin Bieber album.

Masturbation has always played a role in my role. I try to masturbate once per day for health reasons. The other four times are just for me. Masturbation actually lead to the most embarrassing moment in my life. It was my first semester in college. I was in an all boy’s dorm at the time, and my roommate was in class. I was standing by my computer desk looking out the window trying to figure out what to do. It didn’t take long to realize I was going to masturbate. I had recently downloaded a porno, so I sat down, dropped my pants, and hit the play button. About ten minutes in I realize that this wasn’t necessarily a porno. It had such a good story line I almost forgot to masturbate. Finally, the “actress” grabbed his cock and told him she could afford to pay to have her pool cleaned. This is about the time I grabbed my cock and began beating my dick like it was Rihanna and my fist was Chris Brown. The porno was excellent! The acting was fantastic, too. The quality was so good you actually see how disappointed their parents were. About fifteen minutes in, I get a knock on my  door. Every guy has experienced this panic. In less than a second, your pants are on and your belt is fastened. It’s truly an impressive sight to see. I went to the door and it was my fellow dorm mate. For some reason, he was very embarrassed and shy. It was unlike him, as he was typically very outgoing. Without making eye contact with me, he told me the most horrifying thing any guy could ever hear. Apparently during my wild masturbation session, I had forgotten to close the blinds. About 10 yards outside of my dorm window was the all girl’s dorm. My dorm mate had happened to be over there visiting his girlfriend when they heard screams coming from the hallway. As they ran out to see what the commotion was about, several girls were gathered around the window. One of the girls turned to him and said, “There’s a fat kid across the boy’s dorm masturbating!” When receiving the news, I tried to act cool. I’m sure my face more as red as Squanto’s. As I took a deep breath, I walked over to the window and starred over to the girl’s dorm. Sure enough, seventeen girls were standing at the window. Some were pointing and laughing, others were simply covering the mouths. What is a man to do in this situation? Naturally, I smiled at the girls, closed the blinds, and collapsed on my bed in pure shock and embarrassment. A few seconds later, I finished masturbating. I then felt so lonely, I cuddled myself after. For the next four years, I would get strange looks from girls I would randomly pass on campus. Some girls would try not to laugh, others would avoid me all together. Regardless, these girls had all seen my penis. A positive thing that did come out of this was my fear of being caught masturbating. It had already happened. Besides, a woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate shouldn’t have sat so close to you on the bus anways.

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