Today, I learned everything I ever want to know about marijuana. Last night, I agreed to visit a friend, Smith, whom I hadn’t seen in since college. He was always a party guy and always got the girl, but he never let anything get in the way of his studies. Basically, Smith was always considered “that guy” every high school kid dreams about being. He now lived in kind of a sketchy area of town so I decided take my dog with me to walk with… because who in their right mind is going to fuck with a man who owns a miniature Beagle? When I walked in his house, the first thing I noticed was the smell. It wasn’t a bad smell, but it also wasn’t a smell I’m writing about to Freebeze as if it’s the Penthouse Forum. I walked into the kitchen only to be greeted by a complete stranger whom I had never seen before. He walks up, looks at me as if I’m the most interesting thing he had ever seen, and says, “Ya wanna eat a… brownie?” The way he emphasized the word “brownie” made me suspicious. Being a complete fat ass, he had my attention. But I was curious as to what kind of brownie we were talking about. I only know of three definitions. One’s a delicious treat, the other is a female child selling cookies, and the last one contains marijuana. Two of those things I could go to go prison for eating, so I had to play my cards right. But unfortunately my hunger had completely taken over this poker game. I took a brownie. When a little girl didn’t come out of the closet, I knew my chances of my not going to prison escalated from 33% to 50%. About 30 minutes later, I realized if the cops walked in, my ass was going to get pounded by a 400 pound white guy named Chuck who had a shaved head and a Swastika tattooed on his chest. I was high. This was my first experience with marijuana. On the bright side, I don’t have to worry about doing it again. I hated it! Why do people smoke weed? All it did for my fat ass was make me dizzy and give me the munchies. If I wanted to get dizzy I would just climb a flight stairs; and if I wanted the munchies I would simply turn on the TV and wait for a Pizza Hut commercial to come on. It was a Wednesday, and Pizza Hut always runs special commercials for their Wing Wednesday promotion. You’re sadly mistaken if you think I’m not popping a boner during those amazing 30 seconds of television.

When I was able to stumble my way over to the kitchen counter, the baker wanted to educate me on my marijuana. At this point, I was spacing out. I truly can’t tell you one thing he said. All I remember was him pulling out a marijuana plant like it was no big deal. The brownie I already ate was making me extremely paranoid. I was expecting DEA agents to jump through the windows and haul my fat ass away. Meanwhile, he acted like it was a fake plant he just purchased at Target using a 20% off coupon. When my bones stopped shaking and I gathered my thoughts, I picked up on the part of the conversation he was supposedly having with me that nobody would’ve enjoyed walking in on. He started showing me the part of the plant used to make the brownies and all of its anatomy. If you ever want to lose a buzz, just listen to someone talk about the anatomy of a plant. It’s like masturbating to senior citizen porn. You know what you’re working toward, but it’s just never going to get there. As he continued blabbing on like a three year-old girl talking about her Barbie’s new outfit, I started looking at the plant. Being high, my mind began to head in every direction. For some reason, my mind locked on the thought that plants are not much different than people. While I was deep in thought and staring at the plant, I began to notice how this plant even resembled a human being. It had two stems where the arms should be, a fluffy top for a head, and even two smaller stems where the leg should be. It was uncanny. I then began wondering about the part that was used to make that batch of brownies. I couldn’t help but wonder if it would ever grow back. Did the plant feel any pain when it was cut off? Does it even realize it’s missing a giant part of its body? Then, for some strange reason, I noticed where the part of the plant used to make the brownies was from. If the plant were actually a human being, we would’ve cut off its penis and made brownies with it. Naturally, this made me shrug. In my mind, I had just eaten a plant’s cock. All that I can think is, “Great! First my coffee, now my brownie. I can’t even get high without a dick involved. Cocks are taking over my life. Whether it’s small, realistic and in my food and drink, or giant and fake and lodged in my girlfriend.” Once the high wore off, I realized how dumb my thoughts were. Plants are nothing like humans. I’ve never seen a plant open a laptop and attempt to masturbate to senior citizen pornography. I’m ashamed to say I have seen this done by a human being (for your own sake, never look at my browser history). However, humans do act like plants. We all love sitting around and doing nothing. Some of us even lay out in the sun and absorb light. In humanity, we call those people, “ugly girls who are trying to look pretty.” In the plant world they call it, “Survival.”

As always, feel free to comment or email your remarks and thoughts to me at coffeepenis@gmail.com. Click HERE to follow me on Twitter!