Before I get started, I want to make it aware that over 5,000 people viewed Chapter 1. Truth be told, I don’t know how. I didn’t intend for anyone to read it. I mainly did this for venting. For the record, yes – that actually happened. From the bottom of my heart, I wish it didn’t.

If you are one of the unlucky 5,000 people who happened to read Chapter 1, you probably walked away thinking, “Oh wow! This guy must have no sexual experience what-so-ever.” Again, I wish I could say you were wrong. I have never had much luck when it comes to relationships and sex. Hell, my first almost-sexual moment was one of the most awkward moments of my life. It’s also most likely the reason I can’t maintain an erection now. I was 16 years-old, and the girl I had been dating for a year and I decided to have sex. We had never even seen each other naked at this point. Some how I’ve always managed to date beautiful women. This girl was a model. I’m a fat ass. I weight about 270lbs, but if you’d look at me, you’d guess 240lbs tops. That’s because God thought it would be funny to give me the world’s largest love handles. Why the fuck are they called love handles anyway? No girl has ever said, “He rocked my world in bed! Thank God I had those love handles to grab on to!” Anyway, back to the story. My girlfriend at the time and I were in her basement (also connected to the garage). We were both heavily making out, groping each other, and preparing to lose our virginity to each other. Just when things really start heating up, we hear the garage door go up. 1.) I’m not supposed to be there. 2.) You have to walk through the basement to get upstairs. Here I am, giant love handles and all, half naked standing in a basement. I started panicking. My dick shrank faster than a Kenyan being chased by the police. I hear a car door open and my heart starts thumping like a 12 year-old boy’s whose mom just walked in on him masturbating. Typically, the first thing you do in this situation is put your clothes back on. Not this guy! I suddenly turn into Anne Frank and make a dart for a quick hiding spot. But this is where my “pure genius” really kicks in. I don’t make a run for one of the three closets in the room. That would make too much sense. Instead, my fat ass darts for cabinets under the kitchen sink. Yes, even in a dangerous situation, my intuition takes me to the kitchen. You are not a true fat ass until you’ve experienced this thought process. I slam open the cabinet drawers and start to crawl in. I get half way in and, you guessed it, I get stuck. My fucking love handles won’t allow me to get all the way in. At this moment, I know I’m fucked. I’m also well aware that God is up in Heaven pissing himself in laughter. I can’t move. I’m literally stuck. Right then, I hear the garage door go down. Fucking wonderful! Whoever pulled in is going to walk through the door, see me on my knees, naked, with my giant ass hanging out from under the kitchen sink like I’m a Goddam plumber about to get plowed by another plumber. I’m thinking it’s game over. Little did I know my girlfriend had already managed to get her clothes back on. Being the rather smart girl she was, she runs over, uses her body to block me, and acts like she is doing dishes. She was a tiny girl. I’m under the kitchen sink cursing like a sailor in a Hurricane. Then the door opened. I become silent. It was my girlfriend’s older brother. At this moment, God must have said, “Okay – his life is too miserably funny. He can’t die here. I need more of this pathetic entertainment.” Her brother walks by, doesn’t even glance over, says “hello” to his sister, and walks up stairs. I’m safe. After a long sigh of relief, I realize I’m still stuck under the sink. I’ve never been so stuck in my life. I truthfully could not move. My girlfriend went to the refrigerator, grabbed some butter, rubbed me down and allowed me to slide out. I know what you’re thinking – how could it possibly get anymore embarrassing? I really wasn’t embarrassed at all. Remember, I’m a complete fat ass, I’m covered in delicious butter, and my girlfriend still wants to have sex. Hell suddenly turned into Heaven. Story over, right? Everybody lived happily ever after, right? Wrong.

After calming down for a few minutes, my girlfriend and I make the smart move and lock all of the doors. Nobody can come in from any direction. This would at least buy me some time if someone else came home. Things start getting hot again. Clothes are flying off in every direction, and I think I’m finally going to lose my virginity to a girl I love. By the way, if you’re in high school and you’re reading this, trust me when I say you are not, nor have you ever been in love. You have no idea what love is. Everybody wants to fall in love in high school, but believe me when I say it fucking blows. 9/10 dentists agree. Anyway, I was in Heaven. Her hair was getting all messed up in that really sexy way you see in the pornos. I was getting all hot and sweaty (because I’m fat).  We finally get all of our clothes off and we are staring at each other’s bodies. Nothing else mattered at that moment. She was gorgeous. I grab her by the hand, sit on the couch, and pull her on top of me. We start passionately making out and telling each other how perfect the moment is. While still kissing, I gently run my hands through her silky hair and down the skin on her back. I decided I’m going to cop a feel and give her a good ole fashion ass grab. I mean, I wanted to really give it a good squeeze. And I did just that. She gasped, smiled, and continued kissing me. As I pulled my hand away, I noticed something didn’t feel right. I put my hand above her shoulder, open my right eye, and realize there is a giant piece of toilet paper stuck to my hand. I try not to panic. It’s just toilet paper, right? No big deal. But then it hits me and I think to myself, “Wait… how is this stuck to my hand?” I’m not going to go into anymore detail because you already know the outcome. It was exactly what you think it was. To make a long story short, I could never look at her the same way again. I also didn’t lose my virginity until several years later. If you couldn’t guess, her and I are no longer together.

I hope that reading this makes Chapter 1 make a little sense. Now you know how a perfectly normal, fat 24 year-old can’t maintain an erection. Every time I get hard, all I can think about is my shit covered hand. And no, I’ve never tried getting in a kitchen cabinet after that, but I’m not against smothering my body in butter again.